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Book Of Man

October 22, 2014
BY CHUCK CLEGG - Columnist , Wetzel Chronicle

A few weeks back, my wife was reading one of those women's magazines you see near the check-out counters in grocery stores. Those kinds that offer advice on everything from new hair styles to the latest in fashion trends. As she sat reading, I noticed on the cover a small headline telling of a story inside the pages that got my attention. How to Read Your Man Like A Book. Now, this got my curiosity going and when she laid it down I opened it to the section with the story about men and books. After all, I wanted to see what chapter I was in and maybe learn something about myself.

When I turned to the section that contained the story, I was surprised at what I saw. Well, let me tell you I was a little more than surprised, I was, well I'll just say it, shocked! There on the pages were men being exploited in pictures. There was no doubt they were fine specimens of man, but are we no more than skin and flesh? We have minds too. Those men obviously spent a good bit of time in the sun or were spray painted with a tanning solution at the nearby body shop.

I knew right off that this story most likely did not have anything about me or most men I knew. Why, in one picture a shirtless man was holding a big yellow dog on his naked shoulder. And in another the fellow was playing paddy-cake with a baby. Shamelessly pulling at ladies heart strings with such images.

According to the story, the first thing you should read in the book of man is, I'll try and be discreet, a hairy chest. To have an understanding of a man you have to know how hairy his chest is. It explains that a hairy chest is a signal he is smart. I guess the less hair on your chest, the less your intelligence is. I always thought my lack of smarts was due to my not paying attention in school. Just think, after all these years, it was because I have only a moderate sprinkling of chest hairs. I did not realize that those men I saw on the beach that look like they are wearing a hairy vest are of superior intelligence. Maybe I'll get some hair growth tonic and rub my chest to see if my IQ improves.

The next thing they say is important is a big head. My wife on occasions has said I have a big head about something I wanted to do. But, I don't think she meant I had a great deal of intelligence. I always thought my hat size did not make a difference in my ability to think, but after reading this story I understand that size does make a difference.

The next two categories had me stumped for a while and I now realize it is because of my hat size is too small. The story tells that a symmetrical and an asymmetrical face had strong influence on the book of man. If your face is perfect on both sides, you are healthy. The man with an asymmetrical face has the ability to sense how others are feeling. Well, I guess I must have some of that. You see, I can sense what Mary is thinking sometimes when she just stares at me. Now, I know why I understand the look, I am asymmetrical.

The next indicator in the book is a strong jaw line. They say you will likely be a person who works to be successful. I stood in front of the mirror and tighten the muscles in my neck and chin to try and align them. I didn't have much success. I worked at the same place for 37 years and made a good living. My wife and I raised our son who has gone on to be a successful family man and has a good job. No debt collectors at my door, so I guess I have been successful, even if my jaw is not square.

The next item listed as being important is a long ring finger when compared to your index finger. The story indicates you are a person who will take chances to be successful, especially in the stock market. Heck, if I had known that years ago I would have tied a rock to my ring finger and stretched it to make me more in tune with the stock market ups and downs. By now I would be a very rich person with an extremely long ring finger that drags the ground.

Are you left handed? According to the story you are a thinker. Michelangelo, Bill Gates, and Albert Einstein were left handed and smart. I have always believed being a lefty was an advantage in pitching a baseball. Now, I understand it makes you smart and special in the book of man.

Last but not least is a full set of lips. It explains that a full set of lips makes him the marrying kind. I always thought a full set of lips were important for movie stars like Angelina Jolie. But, apparently those folks who are in the know of things like those who wrote this story feel that they are also important for a man. It did not say anything about lip gloss, thank goodness.

So ladies, this is how I read the story and understand what you should know when it comes to reading your man. He should be hairy with a big head and a symmetrical face. A prominent jaw line with long fingers on his left hand which he uses to open doors for you. Finally, a set of lips that could stick him to the window of a moving truck. Sounds to me like one fine looking guy. When I imagine this man, he reminds me of Herman Munster with Angelina's lips.

You know the funny part of the story in the magazine? There will be people who will take it to heart and try and read their man into the pages. Even crazier is my story. There will be some of you that read these words and take them seriously. Lighten up and smile. Who knows, your lips might swell and you could be some woman's catch of the day as she looks, Through the Lens.

 
 
 

 

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